I am 30 years old, and according to the self-help literature I’ve been reading recently, I’m in the ’emotional and creative prime of my life’. So how is it that I don’t always actually feel that way?
Compared to my twenties, I am much happier, agreed, I worry less about what people think of me, I have a far stronger handle on my bubbling pot of emotions (although they still tend to boil over and spill down the sides), and I am generally much more comfortable in my own skin. I feel that I have an almost unknown resilience that lies just beneath my conscience, a determination to become the best possible version of myself, my foot firmly on the gas and accelerating forwards to complete self-acceptance and fulfilment. But just recently, I feel like someone, or something is delicately tapping on the brake pedal and I’m slowing down to an agonising crawl. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion, I’ve lost focus, the fire in my belly has turned to smouldering coals and my listlessness is becoming a source of unease. I love writing, as you all know, yet I have this notion that I should be doing more. I love to sing and am a member of a talented band, and yet again, I have this notion that I should be doing more. Writing and singing are a huge part of who I am; my soul radiates with the creativity that ebbs and flows and courses through my veins to the centre of my heart, but I feel like I’ve lost focus and it is as if there is a blockage of some sort, a hurdle, which is preventing me from getting to where I want to be. But where do I want to be? I don’t even know myself, but it is far from where I am right now.
I want to be someone; I want to feel like I haven’t wasted a single drop from the life-bottle that I carry with me during every moment. I curse myself when I get home at the end of a tiring day, when I collapse into my comfortable reading chair and blend into its form, almost like I become the chair; motionless and heavy and hard to move. Should I be sitting at the piano and writing a song? Should I write more? Should I be applying myself more to life in general and being more passionate?
Should? Should? Should?
On second thoughts, maybe I am passionate – about a lot of things – especially running. Yesterday I ran 24 kilometres in preparation for my upcoming marathons. I was tired, hungry and my left foot started to uncomfortably swell from kilometre 12 onwards. And yet I continued forwards, the strength of my mind carrying me through when my body became weary. I guess it proves that I am applying myself; it’s just that I’m concentrating on a different area of my psyche right now, kind of like how the human body channels its focus on the vital organs when it becomes cold.
Maybe it’s just a case of accepting that some days I accomplish more than I do on others.
And you know what? I’m ok with that.
How about you? What’s your passion? Are you applying yourself?