The other day, I was at one of my favourite coffee shops. It’s got that perfect mix of atmosphere: the low hum of conversation, the steady whirr of the coffee grinder, and just the right kind of music drifting through the space. The barista there, Tom, knows my order before I even say it. It’s a place full of interesting people, each wrapped up in their own little worlds.

I’d settled in with my coffee, already engrossed in a new book, so I didn’t notice the couple who had slipped in and taken the table next to mine. Eventually, though, their quiet voices and small movements caught my attention. They’d just ordered coffee and toast, and when the toast arrived, I noticed the woman look down at it, hesitate, and then turn to the man she was with.

“It’s not quite toasted enough,” she murmured, as if half-apologising for even noticing.

After a pause, she flagged down one of the serving team, visibly uneasy, and asked if they could toast the bread just a bit more. Her voice was so soft, her face so apologetic, like she was asking for a five-star upgrade on her breakfast instead of just a bit more crunch.

And here’s the part where my coach-therapist reflex kicked in, because, without even thinking, I leaned over and said, “It’s okay to have needs, you know.”

Yes, I actually said that.

Writing this now, I’m cringing, because who actually says stuff like that? It sounds like a line straight out of a self-help book with a sunset on the cover. I was one step away from saying, “Embrace your authentic self” and offering to “hold space for her toast journey”, like some kind of weird breakfast guru.

But somehow, it worked. She looked at me, visibly relieved, and said, “It is, isn’t it?”

And then she laughed. And I laughed.

I gave her a little nod of solidarity, and then went back to my book.

This small interaction that morning though, has stayed with me all week. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It reminded me how often we’re subtly taught to downplay our needs, to apologise for them or even hide them, as if wanting something more for ourselves is somehow too much.

In my coaching and therapy work, my clients are, understandably, incredibly eager to make a change in their lives—whether that’s a more balanced life, a career that feels fulfilling, or a relationship where they feel truly seen. On one hand they’re so ready for the change but on the other, feel strangely stuck, unable to take the first steps. As we dig deeper, it often becomes clear that, deep down, they don’t fully believe their needs and wants are ok. There’s often a murky, lingering belief there (often from childhood) that having these needs—and acting on them—might be selfish, unrealistic, or too much to ask for.

Most of us, if we’re honest, carry around the belief that we really shouldn’t have needs. It might be that you tell yourself that you’re fine as you are, that asking for anything more—a better job, more time for yourself, or yes, even toast done exactly the way you like it—is somehow not at all ok. It might be that you find yourself often apologising for wanting things that are entirely reasonable.

I’m curious, though, about what life might be like for you if you chose to give yourself permission to ask for what you want, instead of treating your needs like something to hide or apologise for. Maybe it starts with the simple but potent idea that it’s okay to want more for yourself?

Can you give yourself permission to do that, even if it’s just for a piece of toastier toast?