The other day, I spent a ridiculous amount of time lying in bed, drinking coffee and diagnosing my cat with a variety of mental health disorders, courtesy of WebMD, because that’s how I roll.

The WebMD site boasts a plethora of information about health and medical news, and in their very own words, they are trustworthy and credible.

I bet.

Unconvinced with their offerings, I moved on to Google, and typed in, ‘I think my cat is mental’, where lo and behold, I was swiftly offered an abundance of websites clambering for my attention.

I scrolled through pages and pages of results, feeling a mixture of encouragement (it seems that there are a lot of cat-owners out there with serious concerns about the mental stability of their much-loved moggies), and disenchantment (feline related anxiety and depression ain’t cutting it, Google, damn it).

About to give up, my eyes suddenly trained upon a website titled ‘Profile of a Sociopath’. Bingo! After a quick skim of the text, however, I soon realised that this particular website was designed with humans in mind. Not to be perturbed, I read on, all the while keeping my cat’s everyday behaviour in mind:

‘Profile of a Sociopathcat’:

  • Glibness and superficial charm: Rolls on to her back in a coy manner, presenting her fluffy tummy to be tickled and eyeing me with adorable, I love you eyes. Generally when she wants something.
  • Grandiose sense of self: Parades around my home like she fucking owns it. Will forcibly attack me if I so much as dare to walk past her in the hallway.
  • Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Such as believing that she is the size and strength of a large dog.
  • Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victimShe seems to want to be stroked, I respond to this by stroking her. She bites me. Wash, rinse, repeat. Generally until I am bleeding.
  • Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person cat. Terrified of pigeons, yet cooly watches loud fireworks from the window without even flinching.
  • Feels entitled to certain things as ‘their right’: Such as my food, my bed, my chair, my laptop keyboard, my magazine – even when I’m reading it.
  • Incapacity for love: Unless cat-treats are involved.
  • Early behaviour problems:

Adopting a sleeping position not dissimilar to roadkill.

  • No sense of personal boundaries: Watches me shower and use the toilet, thinks nothing of putting her bottom in my face – especially when I am eating, steals food from my plate when I leave it unattended, has been known to poo in the bath, mostly when it is raining and she can’t be bothered to go outside.
  • Covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim owner as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. Yes, yes and yes.

Don’t be fooled by her cuteness. I’m warning you.