I’ve been doing a lot of sitting recently. Much more than I’d like to. I severely sprained my ankle, you see, and well, there hasn’t been much for me to do other than rest.
All this resting has led to a lot of staring out of the window and a lot of thinking. Mostly about life and love and whether my cat understands what I’m saying and how much it would cost to get the flat re-painted and whether it’s even worth getting the flat re-painted and why are we even here and oh-my-god a test space rocket crashed. (I’ve also noticed a lot of cobwebs in the corners of the ceiling, which, on the shall we say ‘darker’ days of all this sitting, have posed as a stark metaphor for the cobwebs that gather in the corners of my head.
Do you know what I’ve been thinking about the most though?
I’ve been thinking about who I am and why I do the things that I do and why I think the things I think.
We’re weird us humans, aren’t we?
The way we pin so much self-worth to other things – like little badges of honours on our lapel – hoping we’ll feel better if we just fit in and do the right thing and laugh when everyone else is laughing even though we didn’t hear the joke properly.
Someone once asked me how I can possibly be a life coach when I’ve got my own ‘problems’ going on and honestly, I let it really bother me for far too long. I started to question whether my work as a coach was the right thing to be doing, considering all my ‘problems’, or, you know, what I like to call ‘LIFE’. And then I realised that yes, it’s ok to help others, to shine a torch for people who feel in the dark, even if that means that I still feel unsure and small and in the dark at times too.
Sometimes I get worried and scared and frustrated and I want to stay at home all day in my two sizes too big flannel pyjamas and just numb everything with shitty television programmes only to remember that I don’t have a television, for fucks sake.
And I know that you sometimes feel this way too.
And it’s ok to be you. And it’s ok for me to be me. To not always have the answers and be super-shiny perfect and all-knowing. What does it mean anyway?
One of my favourite things is listening to people and hearing their stories and experiences. Listening to someone is like holding a patchwork quilt in your hands, there’s always something to see and hear and feel, something different to notice from the last time you looked. It really is a beautiful thing.
My patchwork quilt is worn and bright and bobbly. Every part of me and who I am and what I believe and have learned about myself in the 33 years in the world so far is sewn into the quilt, piece-by-piece. I believe in coffee and books and telling the truth. I believe in good friends and crunchy Autumn leaves and watching YouTube conspiracy theory documentaries. I believe in line-dried bed linen and candles and a big ole’ glass of red wine. I believe in wooly hats and wearing them whenever and wherever I want and honest conversations and being kind to animals and humans alike. I believe in writing and Sunday mornings in bed and eating coconut oil straight off the spoon. I believe in singing my head off in my car and smiling at people on the bus and eating Thai food. I believe in helping people who feel stuck and unsure of themselves to start feeling more certain, more alive again.
Mostly, I believe in being more me.
And that’s all that matters in the end, isn’t it?
Just be more you.
What makes you you? What do you believe in?