Dear the people who keep Googling Sofia Vergara, and land on my blog as a result,

I am sure you are feeling a little bewildered right now, I can hardly blame you. One minute you’re typing ‘sofia vergara naked’, into the Google search box, an overwhelming hullabaloo of trepidation clinging to your every fibre, and then WHAM, you land, face first, in the whirling dervish of this blog. Instead of discovering a tantalising treasure chest full of all things Sofia Vergara, you are now knee-deep and sinking in a swamp full of words about depression, my childhood fear of E.T and the death of Amy Winehouse. I’m sorry. 

I am fully aware that I have already wasted enough of your precious time and I am guessing you probably hate both Google and myself right now, and so, I offer you an olive branch: I spent the majority of yesterday researching information about Sofia Vergara for you all. I chose to do this because I have a big heart and I like helping people, and in no way found this exercise to be personally gratifying or enjoyable. No, no, honestly, there’s no need to shower me with praise.

It would be impossible to reply to each and every one of you, because believe me, there are a shit-load of you out there, so I thought I would pick from the most popular Sofia Vergara searches that have landed in my blog statistics results, in the last 7 days:

“Sofia Vergara naked/nude” (amongst other variations):
This was a tough one. There are plenty of websites out there claiming to host a multitude of naked Sofia Vergara photos, but I couldn’t find a single one that lived up to its promise. Oh, but I did find a part-naked photo of Sofia Vergara hugging a gorilla, which is a win-win situation for fans of Sofia Vergara and primates.

 “Sofia Vergara husband”: It appears that Sofia Vergara is not married any longer. What are you waiting for? Go get that gal! “sofia vergara real”:Initially, I was a little confused by this search term, it doesn’t really give me a lot to go by. It’d be great if in future, you could flesh things out a little. Nevertheless, after much prodding and poking around the interwebs, it seems that Sofia Vergara is, in fact, real. Her breasts, however, are clearly not“sofia vergara ass”: See gorilla photo above. If that still isn’t enough to quench your thirst, how about this tasteful exhibit?

Ok, enough. “sofia vergara fat”:Move along, haters. Go figure out your own insecurities, instead of projecting them onto others. Come back once you’re done, clear? “Sofia Vergara totally naked naked”:No matter how many times you use the word, ‘naked’, you’re still not gonna find what you’re looking for. There are internet privacy laws to protect celebrities from people like you. There totally are. “How tall and old is sofia Vergara from modern family nudes”:Woah! One question at a time! Sofia Vergara is 39 years old. Sofia Vergara is 5″7. And don’t think I didn’t notice the slippage of the word ‘nudes’ into your seemingly innocent questions. I’m choosing to ignore it. “Sofia Vergara naked hot fuck ass”:Ok, so now I’m hearing you loud and clear, douche-bag. You decided to be forthright and stop hiding behind your words. Congratulations. But I’m still choosing to ignore it. “hot sexy sofia vergara big boobs full naked images”: Firstly, your grammar horrifies me. Secondly, here’s a photo of an adorable kitten wearing a hooded jumper:

And finally, my favourite search term of all (which has absolutely nothing to do with Sofia Vergara), but wins, hands down, for being so bat-shit nutballs: “coffee shops where mirrored floors tantalisingly reveal untouchable waitresses without underwear”:If you are reading this, and you are, in fact, the person who wrote that startlingly eloquent and illuminative description, come and say hello in the comment section. I think we could be friends.